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Carl Alasko

Dear Dr. Alasko: When I married "Jill" two years ago, her 10-year-old son "Kevin" and I got along great. Since then things have turned sour. He hardly even says hello to me and is always challenging my authority. Kevin's biological father has little interest is seeing him but Kevin's always talking about visiting his "real dad." What can I do to reassert my position in the family and re-build my relationship with him?

Dear Reader: Being a step-parent is a daunting challenge that's typically stressful and often not rewarding.

Here's the basic facts about step-parent relationships:

The child's bond with his missing biological parent is the most powerful of all human relationships. No other connection can substitute for the mother/child or father/child bond. Even when, as in Kevin's case, the actual bond is not well developed, there exists the "fantasy bond," which is that connection the child hopes to have, or imagines to exist. This fantasy exerts a strong unconscious power on the child's life. Kevin's efforts to be with his father is part of his need to re-create this vital bond. Approval from a stepparent just can't have the same value.

While the stepparent's arrival in the home may be a big help logistically, the child's yearning for the biological parent's love cannot — repeat, cannot — be supplanted by the "new husband" who has moved in and taken over the biological parent's role. Even though Kevin initially expressed approval, that approval is highly conditional and easily replaced with resentment.

The stepparent is usually deluded by early signs of affection and makes strategic errors. In your case, you assumed (to use your words) that you had some authority. You didn't. Your attempts to exert your authority only create resentment and give Kevin a chance to say, "You're not my dad!"

Now you need to change tactics. Avoid every possible confrontation with Kevin. Stop publicizing your impotence, which only embarrasses you and increases Kevin's false sense of power.

From now on preface every comment with, "Your mother asked me to ..." You say, "Kevin, your mother asked me to tell you to do your homework." That preface forces Kevin to flout his mother's rules, not yours. You avoid provoking a confrontation you will never win. And rarely criticize him. Allow his mom to do that.

You're the adult so don't show that you're hurt by Kevin's disapproval. You need to rise above his efforts to discredit you. At the same time, be compassionate about his emotional struggles, and the loss of his father.

A key to success is to be constantly congenial and use a sense of humor to deflate tension. If you lower your expectations to what is actually possible, you can build a connection based on the fact that you are actually present in Kevin's life.

Finally, focus on your marriage. As Kevin grows into adolescence, you and your wife will be able to spend more time together. After all, you made a life-long commitment to Jill, not to Kevin.
