12 November 2014

Trusting Your Instincts

I think anyone who's ever moved away, took a risk, or dived head first into a new opportunity can relate to this inexplicable feeling that they need to do it. It's scary, because you don't know if it will be the best or worst thing to happen to you but somehow you know you have to try. You're pulled towards whatever it is, and you seem to go above and beyond to make it happen.
Then there's another feeling. One that nags at you when something doesn't feel right. When presented with an opportunity you're unmotivated to go for it, make excuses and are just plain lackadaisical about the whole thing, even though it's something you "should" be excited about.
I recently learned a valuable life lesson about this feeling and realised it's actually a very important part of life, despite the fact it can be mistaken for apathy at times. I took it for granted until I ignored it and went against my better judgment. Let me tell you a quick story.

I worked in a lovely shop here in Leicester. They hired me when I moved over from Canada and was getting overlooked continuously for jobs. I will always be grateful to them for saving me in the nick of time. I loved working there and had an absolute blast. But I needed more hours. It's just that simple.
I eventually came across a new opportunity. It ticked all the right boxes - full time, high hourly wages, chances to advance, and lovely people. I was hired in the interview and it was mixture of relief and panic. Relief because I now had full time hours, I could afford more things and I could even start saving properly again. Panic because I was scared of getting the job. Even from when I filled out the application form something felt off. I told myself it was just scared of change, even though I've never been scared of change before. Maybe it was because I was getting older and more settled? I decided to go for it anyway. Full time work is really hard to come by, who was I to say no?
I definitely knew something wasn't right when one day my co-worker from the job I was leaving asked "Are you excited to start your new job?" and I answered, "Actually, no." I had no idea where that answer came from. I usually love new things. New places, new people, new adventures. Even if they panic me a little. I get very excited when these things are laid out in front of me. The fact that I was anything but excited told volumes. I just didn't listen.
I muted out what my gut was telling me, assuring myself it was because of this and that, and prepared myself to take on whatever was thrown at me. I would work hard, climb the ladder, carve out a career for myself and..... I hated it. I mean, I really hated it. I was uncomfortable in the work, I was undertrained for where I was, I received minor injuries and and came close to big injuries multiple times. I became very anxious at the thought of stepping through the doors at the start of my shift. I didn't sleep. I barely ate. I became quite hard on myself, thinking that the reason I hated the job so much was because I was being stupidly lazy. It's just hard work, why was I taking it so badly?
Jim sat me down, talked to me and tried to convince me to quit. I felt it was selfish on my part as all the responsibilities would be thrown at him. Despite his support, my Mother's support and the fact that my insides were screaming at me to quit, I refused to leave. I trekked on, telling myself I was lucky to have this job, that I looked for so long to find a full time work and now that I have it I'm being stupid to hate it this much.
I slowly began to realise I should have listened to my gut from the beginning. All along it was telling me this wasn't right, I wouldn't like it. Why did I leave my other lovely job? Sure it was less money, but I was happy there. Why didn't I trust myself more? I'm usually good at figuring these things out and being able to cut certain aspects out of my life when they don't make me happy anymore. I started to see that this feeling has been behind a lot of big decisions all my life. That I've not only listened to the good parts that say "Yeay! Let's go for it!" but I've subconsciously been listening to the "Meh. It's not for me." too.

Thankfully, one evening I received an email from a job I had applied for months and months back asking me to attend an interview. Suddenly, all the excitement, the motivation, the scary-but-in-a-good-way butterflies, they all rushed back to me. This felt familiar, this felt right, this was that feeling I was lacking. I had to go. I HAD to. There was just one problem... I was scheduled to work during the interview. That sealed it for me. My instinct was telling me to go to this interview and for the first time in weeks I actually listened. So, I quit. I had no guarantee that I would get this job or even be presented with any other offers in the near future, but I still quit.
The difference was instant. I noticed I was practically skipping to the interviews, despite the fact I had no safety net if I was passed up, but I was so excited and pumped and loved being around these people, this atmosphere. It fit me.
If this was how happy I was during the interviews, can you imagine my excitement when I was told I got the job? I utterly love it there. I couldn't think of a place I would rather work. I'm incredibly happy.

I'm continuously grateful for the way things work out. I feel they always do, somehow. Even if the end result isn't the outcome I've wanted, they've worked out. I was never sure why this happened? I always put it down to sheer dumb luck and an ability to shrug my shoulders, adapt and just get on with it. This experience has made me think that maybe instinct has a bigger part to play too. Somehow, even when you've no idea which decision to make, you're already unknowingly guiding yourself. Your gut instinct knows what you want, though sometimes it's hard to read. It's obvious when it's very clear signs like getting excited about something, even though it's daunting and scary. It's much harder to read when it's telling you something is just not right for you because it can feel like you're just making excuses and being lazy about it. Of course, I do believe there is a fine line but, at the end of the day, if you're not feeling enthusiastic about something, doesn't that say a lot right there?

Aoife x

15 July 2014

My Leicester // Red Hot World Buffet













Aoife x

29 June 2014

Harry Potter 15th Anniversary Book Set

I had to buy this book.








Aoife x