January 15, 2013

Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D (2013)

(aka We'll Watch Alex Daddario in Anything)
Release Date: In Theaters now.
Country: USA.
Written by: Adam Marcus and Debra Sullivan.
Directed by: John Luessenhop.
Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Tania Raymonde, Dan Yeager, Trey Songz, Bill Moseley and Gunnar Hansen.

The original TCM (1974) is a classic. TCM 2 (1986) is a classic in our eyes too, though in a different way. Leatherface: TCM 3 (1990) is not very classic, but holds a sentimental place in our hearts none the less. TCM: The Next Generation (1994) mostly sucks, but we don't completely hate it.

For better or worse, we absolutely love the TCM (2003) remake and its prequel, TCM: The Beginning (2006), so suck it. We are not ashamed.

So with all of that being said, it's fair to say that even at its worst, we're fans of Leatherface and the TCM Franchise as a whole.

And so we were really looking forward to TCM 3D, for various reasons, and we can now say with confidence that it at least wasn't the worst movie in the Franchise.

Directly after the events of the 1974 film, an angry mob of townsfolk (from the Texas town of Newt),  proceeds to posse up and burn the old Sawyer farm to the ground. Everyone inside dies, save for a little infant baby, who is very little because she's a baby. The baby is adopted in secret by a couple who was part of the angry mob, and they raise her up to be a hot and sexy girl named Heather.

This girl will show her midriff any time, anywhere!
When Heather finds out that her biological Grandmother has died and subsequently left her everything she owns, she also discovers that she's adopted. Against her adoptive parents wishes, she and a gang of friends head to Newt, Texas to collect her swag. * I apologize for using the word "swag," because there's really not ever a time when it's appropriate to use that word. I'm honestly not "that guy," but it just felt like the right thing to do.

Sure, Heather may look bewildered, but with that face, who cares.
On the way to Newt, they pick up a hitchhiker (of course they do, it's a TCM flick), because he seems legit, and because he adds to the body count. Once they arrive at Heather's new mansion, the Sawyer family lawyer gives her an envelope that he tells her she needs to open immediately. Of course she doesn't, and thus she basically sentences herself and all of her pals to death... because Leatherface lives in the basement of her new house!

Not expecting guests, Leatherface agonizes over which tools he should use to welcome them.
The usual TCM hi-jinks ensue, which mostly involve Leatherface running around and killing a bunch of people who are too stupid to live. Will Heather survive her evil inheritance? Will she show her boobs? Will we ever get a TCM sequel that does the original movie true and absolute justice? We're not trying to spoil anything for you, but yes, almost, and probably not.

Oh look, she inherited a messy, painful death!
I personally though it was pretty neat the way they handled Leatherface in this one; he was the chainsaw-wielding maniac we've all come to know and love, but they actually gave him a little more of a human side this time out. Maybe humanizing him isn't wasn't the right move, but at least it was an interesting one.

The twist that occurred later on in the movie, and that took things in a whole different direction, was pretty interesting too. It was a change of pace for the franchise, and I'd be willing to endure a sequel to TCM 3D to see where the story goes.

It also goes without saying that Alexandra Daddario was also a plus here. She's so crazy hot that she had us in a trance for most of the running time, no doubt distracting us from the movie's many shortcomings.

Do your thing, cuz!
TCM 3D was a bit messy. The characters were one dimensional and cliche, the dialogue at times was just tough to endure, and what in the hell was Trey Songz doing in this movie? We can expect the first two issues from most Horror movies of this kind, as sad as that is to say, because it often times goes with the territory... but can we please stop casting random Rappers/R&B Singers in roles simply for their name recognition? I know it's a money game, and popular names are supposed to draw bigger audiences, but come on, man.

Of course he has his shirt off, that's why he's in this movie to begin with.
TCM 3D never really pushed the boundaries that it needed to. It delivered on the gore for the most part, but it could have gone a bit further down the path of nastiness. If you're making an entry of an iconic movie series that is famous for its carnage, then up the ante and make us say "Damn!" Ditto goes for the T&A; enough time was spent on showing the girls in the movie half-naked and sweaty, midriffs all exposed, and yet they failed to push that envelope too.

Not only are all of Leatherface's kills from the 1974 original shown via flashback mode, but there's plenty of new bloody business to love here too. TCM 3D was originally rated NC-17 for its violent content, but was trimmed down to an R, so we're imagining that the BD/DVD will be unrated with all of the extra grisly bits restored. Still, the R-rated version doesn't skimp on the crimson goodness, and had some pretty good gags in it.

That was a particularly good one.
The biggest Cinematic dropped ball of 2013 so far has to be the fact that this movie failed to get either of its starlets naked. I mean, Alex Daddario has maybe the best boobs of ever, and Tania Raymonde's character was a whore on wheels, so are you saying we couldn't have gotten some gratuitous nudity out of either of them? It may seem like a small thing, even a superficial thing to want, but it's part of the Horror genre! Blood and Boobs, my friends. Blood and Boobs.

You knew what this was.
We're giving this one a C+ for the simple reason that it took some chances. Also, it had one of the hottest Hotties in the world in it, so that has to count for something. TCM 3D is a mess of a movie for the most part, but it really tried. A tighter script and some added the visceral delights would have gone a long way to improving this one. TCM 3D will go down as maybe the 5th best movie in the TCM Franchise, and that's not the worst thing in the world. It's mindless fun, and if you're not a nitpicker, then you'll most likely get a kick out of it. Mostly.


This movie is blessed by the presence of two true Hotties in Alexandra Daddario and Tania Raymonde. They made this movie more watchable just for being in it, and that's nothing to shake a stick at, now is it?


  1. If you want to see her unwrapped....
    HBOs True Detective as Woody Harrelson girlfriend, second show.
    You wont be disappointed. ?...

  2. Oh, we own that little slice of heaven on Blu-ray, Ron.

    Good looking out though!