Are You a Pushover Parent?

If you're a softie with your kids (but wish you weren't), it's not too late to get an authoritative backbone. Here's how.

By Charlotte Latvala

By Bernard Opitz/Taxi/Getty Images

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As I walked through my living room not long ago, picking up dirty socks and empty pretzel bags, I muttered, "Why is it that no one but me cleans up around here?" Even though my two older kids (Mathilda, 15, and A.J., 13) were sitting within earshot, they didn't respond; Mathilda was absorbed in her school-issued laptop; A.J., his parent-issued iPod Touch. "Why am I cleaning up your mess?" I said, much louder this time. Silence. I tried a third time, almost shouting. A.J. looked up from his iPod, made eye contact, and...shrugged.

Here it is, I thought: proof that I've failed as a parent. My greatest wish, at that moment, was to rewind the clock to the preschool years and post that chore chart I never quite got around to. While I was back there, I'd add some oomph to my parenting style, which has always veered between "laid-back" and "extremely laid-back." Don't get me wrong; it's not that my kids are awful. Overall, they're sweet and funny; they get decent grades and hang out with friends I love. But I spend way too much time cajoling, reminding, and nagging. And I'm not always consistent with discipline; sometimes I freak out over too much TV and other times — depending on my exhaustion level — I let it slide. I'd wager there are other moms out there like me: those who wish they'd held the line more and worry it's too late to repent.

Fortunately, even if your kids are teenagers, you can still redeem yourself. "It's absolutely never too late," says child development and behavior specialist Betsy Brown Braun, author of You're Not the Boss of Me: Brat-Proofing Your 4- to 12-Year-Old Child. "Granted, it can be harder to change patterns as kids get older; it's like asking them to speak Italian when they've been speaking Greek for years. However, as long as you are clear and honest with your child, it can be done." So over the past few weeks, I've tried some new tactics from parenting experts. Here's what I've learned (along with a few things I'm still working on). To make a change, you need to:

Admit Your Mistakes

The first step is acknowledging your part in the problem, says Brown Braun — to both yourself and to your children. Be honest about the fact that you've let them dodge chores or mouth off in the past. "Don't turn it into a finger-wagging session," she says. "It's not about blame; it's about you saying, 'I've allowed you to talk to me that way or not help with the dishes for years, but now that's over.' You're giving kids a heads-up and letting them know what changes are ahead."

Where you have "the talk" makes a difference, says Michael J. Bradley, Ed.D., author of When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen. "To signal that a sea change is under way, break it to them in a different venue," says Bradley. "It's human nature to act the same old way in the same old places." (Harping about new video game rules while your kid is playing Wii, for instance, will have zero effect.) Bradley's favorite spot for any one-on-one with a tween or teen: a café — it's away from home, and kids feel grown-up and comfortable. So I took my older kids (separately) to Starbucks, bought each a decaf mocha, and laid it out: "I've goofed by letting you slack off, and now I need you to step up and take some responsibility." I even produced a two-page list of weekly household chores and asked each to pick a few tasks. I was expecting resistance, so I was pleasantly surprised when Mathilda said, "As long as I don't have to take out the garbage." A.J.'s main concern was that life was suddenly going to become all chores, all the time. When I assured him that he'd still be able to have friends over and play video games once he got his work done, he was agreeable, and selected several jobs from the list I'd drawn up. Giving kids a say in picking chores is vital, says Brown Braun; they're much more likely to cooperate and feel a sense of accomplishment in a job they've chosen.

Come Up With A Plan

For me, chores are the hot-button issue. For moms like Kim DeVigil, of Denver, it's bedtime. The mother of four girls (twins age 9, plus an 11- and a 13-year-old) says, "Every night I get home from work at 7 P.M . and say, 'Tonight we're going to bed early.' But getting four tweens ready for bed is a lot like herding cats. Even when I'm aiming for 9 P.M., it's usually 10:30 by the time they're all in bed."

Begin any change with a detailed plan, says Tamar Chansky, Ph.D., author of Freeing Your Child From Negative Thinking. "If bedtime is 9:30 P.M., map out what needs to happen beforehand to get there," she says. Approach it like a group project at school — it's a concept kids immediately get. "You might say, 'Clearly, we're having a problem sticking with a healthy bedtime. Let's figure out together what each of us can do to make this work. What do you think is workable?' " Chansky suggests. Counterintuitive as it sounds, you may need to dial down the authority level here; again, if tweens feel like their voice counts, they're more likely to cooperate. "In the end, what you want is a solution," says Chansky. "But you don't necessarily need to be the author of the solution." So listen to their suggestions, and then add your own (say, moving daily showers or chores from late afternoon to the early morning hours).

Next: Why yelling won't work and how the smallest changes make the biggest difference

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