A wag wedding planner

Screw sugared almonds. Coleen and Wayne's guests will each receive a handmade box containing a live butterfly, which they'll release simultaneously, to symbolise their soaring love. Romance to the power of n! It's touches like this, little nuggets of natural class, that you, the wedding planner, will dream up.

You're a combination of greed, loyalty, efficiency and glucose, like a pink Smart car or Mariah Carey after an interpersonal-communication training exercise.

You're responsible for the £5m budget and the magazine deal, flirting with publishers to ensure your couple get the wedge they deserve. Your voice won't break when herding Westlife onstage after the speeches, nor will it whine when you're called to delicately explain to the more nipple-flashy family members why their invitations direct them to a small room under a pub in Croxteth where they're serving Cheeky Vimtos and Quavers, and the happy couple is there only in spirit.