Yell Louder, Yeah, that Will Cap the Oil Leak

By Al Giordano






Yell louder if you are a parent. You, breeder, are twice as much to blame as the childless person because your little darling is also using up twenty times the earth’s resources as the child of other lands. The more kids you have had, the louder you must yell. That’s right, go yell at your children, too. Beat them, if you must. That’ll cap the leak!

Are you using a computer right now? You electricity slut! Turn it off immediately and go yell at the mirror instead. Make sure to turn off the bathroom light as you do so. Go take a sledgehammer to your car and smash it to bits in front of all the neighbors. That’ll make a real loud noise. (Make sure to include the “Save the Planet” bumpersticker in the rubble.) What? You can’t live without your car because you live in a rural area? You slob! Don’t you know that city dwellers use up far less energy per capita than you bumpkins? Go yell at your pigs, cows and chickens then, and at the people who eat their meat, because they have huge carbon hoofprints too.

Me? I don’t own a car. I walk everywhere I can. I don’t eat meat. I never bred or inflicted my spawn on the earth. I live in a city in a much poorer country where the per capita carbon footprint is a fraction of that of each person in the United States. I consume locally grown food all year long. My carbon footprint is a tiptoe compared to yours. So I actually am justified at yelling at the rest of you that did any of those things. You’re strangling this Eden more than I am. Hey here’s an idea. Save the Planet: Kill Yourself! Or at least refrain from yelling at others over this oil spill until you’ve checked your own carbon footprint at the door and wiped the sludge off your own hands.

But you know what? Even though I would be somewhat justified in yelling and pointing fingers at you, I’m only being tongue in cheek about it here to make a point. Yelling doesn’t solve anything. And it sure won’t plug the leak or make anyone else do it faster, because nobody has yet figured out a surefire way to do it. But they sure ain’t gonna think faster with you yelling in their ears.

Yelling is for panic, and panic is for losers. In the movies, you know, the scary ones where soldiers or zombies or aliens come and kill whomever they find in their path, don’t you remember who always gets eaten first? The idiot who screams hysterically! That’s who you are behaving like today. And if you keep thinking that screaming at others to yell louder and share your misery aloud is going to save the earth, you and the rest of your pestilent species are already doomed. The earth will carry on. It’s you who won’t. And at least it’ll be a lot quieter around here, then.

There. Glad I got that off my chest. Problem solved, now?


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About Al Giordano


Publisher, Narco News.

Reporting on the United States at The Field.

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