Dean Richards

Former Lions and England No8 talks rubbish American comedy and skinny-dipping with Martin Bayfield
Dean Richards
Richards: having trouble with Greenpeace activists. Photograph: Mark Thompson/Getty Images

Good evening, how are things going in "Deano" world?
Just fine thanks Small Talk, you?

Splendid, thanks. Well, that's not true. Small Talk's tired and cold, wetter than an otter's pocket and holed-up in a shed on the Isle of Skye. As are you, Deano. What's the story?
I'm doing the Talisker Trek with Martin Bayfield and Lewis Gordon-Pugh (polar adventurer, long-distance swimmer and certainly not someone you'd want chatting to your girlfriend) to raise a few quid for the Woodlands Trust. It's a hell of a ramble over two days but Skye is a beautiful place and it's a fantastic experience - even in the pouring rain and wind. The money raised will contribute to the Trust planting an additional 250,000 trees across Britain over the next three years.

Well, they could certainly do with a few on Skye. After all that whisky, Small Talk got caught short earlier and there was nowhere to go. Anyway, are you partial to a wee dram now and again?
I'm not a massive whisky drinker but the 18-year-old Talisker is my favourite - with a drop of water after a meal - it was recently voted the finest single malt in the world [PR lackey punches air in celebration].

A shameless plug, Dean, and one from which Small Talk shall move swiftly on. At 6ft 10in, Martin Bayfield can't be the best chap to share a tent with?
You're right - and neither is Lewis who unzipped [cue Small Talk schoolboy snigger] at 5.30 this morning, jumped out of his sleeping bag like a jack-in-a-box and dragged Martin and I for an early morning skinny-dip - it was deadly, deadly cold.

Blimey, can't have done much for your pride?
No, believe me, there was no pride out there at all. It was freezing. I was desperate to get out but every time I tried, Greenpeace activists kept trying to push me back in.

Ba-boom-tshhh! A sobering experience indeed, but what's the silliest thing you've done after a few pints?
Well, that's pretty easy Small Talk. John Jeffrey and I had a game of football with the Calcutta Cup on Princes Street in 1988 after an international game at Murrayfield. I honestly can't remember much about it. It didn't look particularly good at the time and it's certainly not something we're particularly proud about. I would never do it again, Small Talk, that's for sure.

[Small Talk deliberately leaves pregnant pause so Dean can think long and hard about his juvenile antics]. So, anyway, was Jeffrey the hardest Jock you ever encountered?
John Jeffrey, Finlay Calder and Derek White were all formidable opponents and I couldn't pick one above another. Playing Scotland was always tough.

OK, so who's the hardest player you've ever encountered?
Olivier Merle of France. He was a huge man. At 23 stone, he didn't move much but he could throw a punch like no other. He's by far the most violent person I ever played against. When he retired I can honestly say it was the happiest day of my career.

Who do you rate out of the current batch of No8s?
[Immediately] Rodney So'oialo is very impressive. There are a lot of good players but no one really stands out apart from him.

How has professionalism changed the game?
[Earnestly] It's changed for the better, definitely. But we've lost the balance between conditioning and ball-work. There are a lot of supreme athletes but the skill levels have dropped. Professional rugby union is in its infancy and we still haven't quite got that right. The New Zealanders have achieved that and that's why they're clear favourites for the World Cup this year.

You're not worried they'll choke again, then?
Not really, I put a bet on them 18 months ago and haven't changed my mind. The French and the South Africans could upset the applecart and the Australians always do well in World Cups and prepare very well but, to be honest, I can't see past the Kiwis.

What's the most memorable match you played in?
[Wistfully] My debut was special but I'd have to say the third Lions Test in 1989 when we beat the Australians in their own back yard is the most memorable.

What was the last CD to bring joy to your cauliflower ears?
Hmmm, [reflects at length]. I'm always downloading all kinds of stuff from the internet but I can't remember what. Last CD? [More chin-scratching reflection as tumbleweed drifts past]. I think it was Razorlight.

What do you like to see when you sit down in front of the box of moving pictures?
[Excited] I love the Two Ronnies. They're brilliant. Also, Fawlty Towers. That kind of comedy - the humour is quintessentially English and no other culture comes close.

So Will & Grace doesn't melt your butter?
American comedy? Not a chance. People say it's funny but it's not.

Room 101 is empty, how are you going to fill it?
Insincere politicians. There are too many to choose from.

Tell you what, Small Talk's going to do you a favour and throw them all in. What's the weirdest request you've ever had from a fan?
It's funny, Small Talk, as I get plenty of people asking me if I want to go and have a meal with them. I never do, though, as, well, why would I?

And finally, can you tell us a joke? Keep it clean mind.
[Adopts American Texas drawl] Two ranch owners in a bar. "Say, where you from?" asks the first rancher. "The ABC ranch," replies the second. "Many cattle?" "About 500" Five silent minutes later, the second rancher pipes up: "Where you from?" "I'm from the 'ABC, OK Coral, BJ, LMNOP, Southern Dixie, Dukes of Hazard, Ok Coral, ABC, DEF, GHI, JKL' ranch". "So, you got many cattle?" "Nope," he replies. "Not many survived the branding".

Boom boom! Mercifully clean if a little long. Thanks for your time Dean, it's been a pleasure.
Good luck, Small Talk.

Dean Richards took part in the Talisker Trek and was raising money for the Woodlands Trust. For further information visit

Today's best video

Today in pictures
