

all 9 comments

[–]katrionatronica 5 points6 points  (1 child)


From someone who is single by choice - INDEPENDANCE IS WONDERFUL! Pep talk time for you. Try and see it positively. Society always portrays being single as some lonesome state for those who can't achieve a relationship, but I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way. Being single is my selfish desire.

My flat. Everything in it is exactly how I want it. That's my keyboard, it doesn't compete with anyone's guitar. That's my music on the stereo. The TV is on when I want it on, showing exactly what I want. Those are my photo posters on the wall from my holidays. Those are my dishes on the side not yet washed, not someone else's mess. I can use all the hot water. I love it.

My diary, it's entirely mine! I decide what I want to do each night and weekend, and with whom, and no one else takes up any slots I want for myself. I can have a night off or a night out any time I like. I only have to see my own family and friends, so I have all the more time for them. I don't have to turn down a night out with friends for my boyfriend's mother's birthday, ever :-)

My body is mine. It looks how I want it to look, I dress how I please, I usually shave but fuck it if I don't want to, my hair is short and boyish how I like it and not designed to impress anyone but me. I never wear heels. I sleep when I want to, sprawled out across the whole bed. I'm never short of cuddles, because I can cuddle whoever I want to, and I have plenty of friends volunteering for the privilege.

Being single is a gift to yourself, it is an entirely selfish state of being where you have obligations to no one and can treat yourself as much as you want to. PAMPER YOURSELF NOW! That is an instruction. Watch your favourite films, cook your favourite food, have your favourite friends over for your favourite cocktails, buy some lovely things for your home to make it feel special and some lovely things for you to make yourself feel special.

You're right, it's time to feel good about yourself, and for that not to be contingent on anyone but you. Atta girl, you can do it, now's the time to be good to you.

You mention feeling abandoned. That's very different to being single, being single doesn't mean you've been abandoned at all. You can be single and very much loved and secure and trusting in the people around you. Have you had any experiences in the past of being abandoned that have left you afraid of it? What does your fear of being alone really stem from? Maybe you need to confront that fear in order to feel good about yourself without being validated by a partner.

[–]chocolatineMod[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)


Thanks Kat. I hear ya, we are just socialized to think that we need to be in a relationship or else there's something wrong with us. And it's not true. I spent most of my adolescent years feeling insecure and unattractive, and now I am just learning how to feel secure and confident without someone at my side - which will just make me appreciate them all the more when I do find someone again.

I think I am slowly getting used to loving my own space. It's so tough, but I know it takes time. My first experience with heartbreak was falling for a girl in high school who said she had feelings for me too but kept going back and forth and eventually just said she couldn't be with me after all. That was my first experience with depression as well. It sure felt like abandonment at the time. I think that since a child, whenever I don't get attention in any form, I build it up to be this big loss and rejection, to the point where I crave love and reassurance as an adult. So obviously that makes it very hard to live alone and be single right now. But I am trying to tell myself it's for the best!



hey there

First of all, thank you for being a good human being and ending your relationship with respect. The reason you've implied for ending things is a really good one.

I've been going through something that, although not exactly similar, have made me re-evaluate myself. Since I was 14, I always have been struggling with depression. I've never had a girlfriend, or even kissed a girl until I was 18. Then I met this socially awkward girl. For the first time I connected with someone and we lived a happy 6 years relationship.

I realize now that we stayed together for so long because we were each others emotional and social crutches. When she started her job after getting her degree, she got all the friends she always said she didn't want and started spending more time with them than with me. And then she met another man.

And you know what? It was the best thing that could have happened to me. I reconnected with my friends and family (she didn't really liked either and made it hard for me to spend some time with them). I've put on the table all those project I always postponed. And I'm finally learning to love myself. I'm finally battling my apathy and actively trying to get out of this rut I've been stuck in for years. Mind you, this break-up took my depression to new lows, but I'm finally seeking professional help. I think it's like a bad cold, you leave it be, thinking it'll go by itself. While if you had been to the doctor, it could have been efficiently treated.

As for advice, I'd say start a project you think you could never do. One of those thing you see others do and think it would be impossible for you to do. You'll fail, again and again and again. But as long as you don't give up, you'll grow.


Set your goals, never give up, never second guess yourself.

Being depressed can some time make you feel as if you're your worst enemy, but you have to become your best friend. Do things you would like to do with your best friend.



Thanks for your reply! It is reassuring to know that other people have gone through similar things and come out happier and healthier. I hope both you and I can continue to grow and love ourselves with time. And thanks for the advice, I will look into a project just for me :)

[–]RedErin 2 points3 points  (0 children)


I am terrified of being single, being on my own, and feeling abandoned.

Facing your fears is the best way to get over them. Fight your phobias.



It's going to be hard.. loving yourself is hard. I'm trying to do that right now. I'm trying to get rid of my self pity and accept myself. It's a struggle with what I've been through, but it'll be worth it in the end.

You need your friends right now -and your family if you are close to them. You need to just laugh and have fun. Be yourself. I know you are lonely and confused, but you need to take care of yourself first.

You took the right step.. you just need to keep on staying strong. Honestly -I wish I could be as strong as you. I am so scared of being alone.. I love feeling needed, loved, and wanted... but my friends make me feel that way -and my beautiful daughter. Maybe not enough as I'd like.. but it still makes me smile. You are strong. You are brave. I can never really wait to fix myself and then date someone.. I guess I kind of like fixing myself with someone else.. while fixing them as well. It's turned into a bad habit.

I'm sure you've made it clear to him why you left him.. I'm sure he accepts that and knows that you still care for him. You just need to keep working on you. Friends, family, hobbies... do anything you love.. do anything that brings you even a pinch of happiness. It'l make things better. I believe in you. You're already strong.. I know you can do this.



Thanks for your response. It's a very scary step but I know we can get there. Loving yourself sounds so cheesy but it's so important and we're not really brought up to care about ourselves in the right way. I hope that with time I can learn to like myself and be alright with being alone. And alone doesn't ever really mean alone... like you said, you have wonderful friends and a daughter - cherish them. They are here to support you in this quest! Don't give up; you can still fix yourself with someone else too. It's all about finding a healthy balance and making time for yourself.

[–]SkinyJim 0 points1 point  (1 child)


Wow, well done. That kind of thing would take a lot of courage. I know how hard that can be because I have considered it myself. Sorry I don't have any advice though, I'm still exploring other options to help myself get through my depression



It was a very scary step to take, and I only hope that with time it will prove to have been the right one. We had a lot of emotional baggage and it was very difficult making progress on my own while still attached to him so much. but I really hope that one day we can try again. Thanks for your reply and good luck facing your demons too - it's challenging but we will get through it no matter what happens :)