<p>I know it's a long shot, but is there some package or means to insert emoticons into a LaTeX document?</p>

Unicode's "miscellaneous symbols" include 3 simple emoticons:
```
0x2639
```
-
```
0x263B
```
. You can possibly use
```
0x2686
```
-
```
0x2689
```
as well.
For more variation you are going to need to use images and include them somehow.
I am curious as to the circumstances which lead to this question :)